Curious about Being Stuck…

What do you see when you look at this picture? A silly, fun woman who is excited about picking up her dry cleaning? Yeah…me too. But here’s the thing about this picture. That’s only what you can see on the surface. What you can’t see is the journey that it took her to get to this point. This picture right here? It’s the result of me overcoming a deep seated fear and belief that I’ve been holding on to for 30+ years now.

You see…four months ago, I borrowed a dress from a friend for a wedding. I’ve been meaning to get it cleaned and send it back. But when I would look at the dress and think about taking it to the cleaners, I’d feel this stickiness inside me that I didn’t understand. Almost like the dress was mocking me. 

Last week, I asked myself what was keeping me from taking the dress to the cleaners. And after a lot of journaling, I realized something…I was afraid of doing it wrong. That’s right. I was afraid of going to a place that I haven’t been in 20+ years and not knowing the right process. I go in and then what? What do you do? I was afraid that everyone would stare at me going…”she’s doing it wrong”.

And that’s the deep seated fear that has come to light. I’m afraid of being wrong. Of doing things the wrong way. Like there is this secret society out there watching me all the time and saying to each other….”She’s doing it wrong”. 

Where did this fear come from? 

After LOTS of deep, inner work…I now realize that it’s from my childhood. I always felt like I was being graded. I was told I was lazy and that I should try harder in school. And as the youngest, I felt like I was ALWAYS being compared to my sisters and brother. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that I always felt like I wasn’t doing things right. That I was a failure already so why even try. And hey, if I don’t do the thing, then I won’t be able to do it wrong. 

And now? 

Ever since I’ve realized that I’m afraid to be wrong, I can’t unsee it. I’m seeing ALL the places where I’ve been frozen from taking action because I was afraid of doing it wrong. It’s kept me from trying new hobbies, taking the leap in my business, sharing my gifts, doing things that I love. It’s why I worked so hard for so many years…pushed myself to work longer and harder. It’s why I overthink and get frozen. I keep looking for that one “right” way or thing. 

And I don’t want to live that way anymore. It’s kept me from truly living. From doing the things that I desperately want to do. So, I’m leaning in with curiosity and seeing where I can unstick this belief and take action. Because that’s all it is…just an old belief. It’s not true. There’s no secret society out there looking at me, waiting for me to do it wrong or to say “she’s doing it wrong”. 

Here’s a few more examples of actions I’ve taken since letting go of this belief:

• I started sewing again. I’ve had fabric for years to make a pillow. One pillow. But I’ve been afraid of doing it wrong. 
• I hiked a new trail. I’ve been afraid of trying new trails on my own for YEARS because I might park in the wrong place or not find the parking at all. Like everyone knows where to park but me. 
• I just started writing two talks that I’ve been unable to write for almost a year. They are new talks that I’ve wanted to write but didn’t want to get them wrong.

Every time I see something new that this fear has kept me from doing, I shake my head. It seems so unbelievable to me that this one belief from my childhood has had such a strong hold on me. 

And yet…it has. Because it wasn’t just one time. It was over and over and over again and it just sunk in deeper and deeper until it was so deep, I couldn’t see it. All these years, I didn’t know what was keeping me from taking action. And now? After leaning in with curiosity and love instead of self-hate and fear,  I can finally see the stickiness for what it is and release it. And it feels so freaking good. 

It just goes to show you what you can discover about yourself once you get quiet and get curious.